I’m not going to lie. Last week was particularly rough. I was going to write about all the gritty details in this post. But then I started writing this post…and the words just wouldn’t come.
Basically, grief hit again. All the triggers that are related to my grief hit. A billowing wave crashed over my soul, and my feet left the sandy floor, and I went whirling through the water. I didn’t know which was was down or up. I didn’t know where to go for air.
And I still feel like that.
I’m confused.
I’m angry.
I’m sad.
I’m discouraged.
Because, you know? I’m tired of grief. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to feel the hole where my loved one should be. I don’t want to be damaged and angry at what happened to her (alleged murder inside a cult). I don’t want any of these things.
“Don’t be so affected by things,” one person helpfully told me a few months ago. “You need to just not be affected by things.”
Okay. It’s not that easy. I can’t control the wounds of my soul. I can’t change the past. How I wish I wasn’t affected by things! How I wish I could go on with life like nothing happened. How I wish…
I wish a lot of things. But wishes don’t get me anywhere. Pretending doesn’t get me anywhere. Denial won’t get me anywhere.
Facing the reality of the depth of the tragedy of what happened and dealing with those wounds left in my soul will get me somewhere.
I still have a long road ahead of me to healing. That’s what I realized this past week. I need to be careful, I need to seek help, I need to surround myself with prayer, I need to go to counseling. Because if I don’t do these things, the hurt and anger and bitterness and cynicism will grow and consume me. Those emotions reared their ugly heads last week, and it scared me.
Because I don’t want to heal crookedly. You can heal, but you can heal crookedly. And that’s not what I want. I want to heal healthily, properly. I want to be whole. I want to love. I want to forgive. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to dance (even if it’s with a limp).
And right now…I need help to do these things.
***
I’d appreciate prayer. I’m discouraged. I’m tired. Can that be the word that sums up my life? I’ve been tired for months and months and months, and the tiredness doesn’t stop. Grief is a discouraging thing. It stretches on before you like this never-ending road. I just want it to end. But it won’t. I’m here on the road for good.
I feel so broken. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was “normal.” Whatever that means. But I’m not and I feel bad about it. Maybe a little ashamed, even. Frustrated that I can’t control myself or my emotions or anything in life… Frustrated I can’t be the sunny, perfect, carefree, thoughtless girl I guess I wish I could be…Because I can’t. I can’t be anything but the broken, messy, real, thoughtful person I am.
***
Yesterday, a co-worker gave me a card. And the words in the card brought tears to my eyes, because they were exactly what I needed to hear yesterday…
Anyway, it was kind of a perfect card for me. I’ve just been feeling so discouraged and weak lately. It was like this message from God to my broken, messed up soul. That’s not how I see you, He said. That’s not how so many people see you. They love you and are cheering you on and see everything you’re going through and take courage because of you…
And I was reminded how many awesome people I have in my life. How many people love me, are praying for me, are cheering me on–both friends and family. (I mean, even my co-workers are pretty awesome.) 🙂
Strangely, in the card was a verse from Psalm 31. Last week, I read Psalm 31 and found comfort in it. I even shared it on my Facebook Page. So I guess God was reminding me of that Psalm this week, too. It’s a great Psalm for grief. I’ll share it here…for anyone who just needs comfort today.
Take courage. Continue on the journey of grief, even when it’s hard…
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away….
But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!…
Blessed be the Lord,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city….
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord.
[Psalm 31]
(Sorry if this post was a little rambling. That’s just how I feel today.)
Photo by Adobe Stock/Kitja
17 comments
Oh my goodness Teryn! This is exactly what I needed to read today. My dad died a little over a year ago, 12/30/12, and I guess in the course of helping my mom with her grief, I pushed mine to the side. This past week was one of the most difficult because I am finally grieving for my loss. Thank you so very much for sharing your wounded soul with others. Makes me realize that though the years may pass, it really is a grief that will continue and our goal is to find strength in the journey with the Lord’s mercy and grace.
I’m so glad you read this, then! Thanks for the encouragement. My thoughts and prayers are with you today as you start grieving for your own loss. It’s a rough journey, but I’m so thankful God walks with us through all the highs and lows.
Someone advised not being affected by things? What else are supposed to do with the stuff that goes on in this world bu be affected by it? Jesus sure was.
So let me tell you, Teryn, that this post affected me and I’m praying for you now.
Tim
Yes, not the best thing to say to anyone EVER. Haha. But I took the words with a grain of salt. Usually people who say that are just in denial about their own pain or have never yet experienced anything hard/painful in their lives. Thanks so much for the prayers.
” heal crookedly. You can heal, but you can heal crookedly…” Perfectly said, thanks for sharing this with the world, its helpful. I feel the same, putting life back together after my husband went home without me. Some days just ache, others like you I am just looking to heal straight.
So sorry for the pain you’re going through losing your husband, Janene. Wish I could take it all away with words, but I know I can’t. I pray you can heal in a healthy manner.
I understand being tired. I’ve lost 4 brothers, 2 nephews, a sister-in-law and recently my dad. It’s been so much loss that I am often weary. I wish I had words to help, but the only thing you can really do is keep giving your burdens to the Lord. People say very hurtful things at times. Memories creep up when you least expect them. Satan introduces fears and tries to distort your beautiful memories. I could go on……Thank you for sharing your words in a lovely way. Just hearing that others are tired of grief as well is encouraging to me as I feel frustration that I struggle with lightheartedness. I’m happy, but I’m not light and carefree. I measure things before feeling, I work to not be anxious about my own mortality or my husbands or kids’. Trials and pain certainly wound us, but they thankfully also have the potential to make us more loving and Christ like.
Wow, that is so much loss. My heart aches for the pain you’ve experienced. Thank you for your encouraging words today. I feel the same way. Happy, but not light and carefree. I, too, measure a lot of things before I feel anything right now. It’s frustrating. And I’m always acknowledging that loss could happen at any moment. I’m not sure this is a bad thing, really. It’s a realistic way to look at life. But I guess it can get warped and unhealthily negative. So I’m working to find a balance. My prayers are with you today, Rachel.
Love ya Teryn.
Thanks, Justin! 🙂
I had bookmarked your page over a month ago and for some reason, today I pulled it up. Could not have been a more perfect day for me to pull it up and read your post for that is exactly how I felt last night. I am tired of this journey! I lost my daughter 7 months ago and last night I realized how tired I am of feeling the empty hole in my heart, of all the questions, non-controllable emotions. . .So when I read this I could completely understand! Thank you for sharing this – in some small way it helps to know that yes, there are others that completely understand. And the card you were given – so very much truth in all of that! My strength comes from God, my family and friends and, knowing that others are also making the same journey that I am and they are making it!
I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your dear daughter, MJ. I’m sure you must be very, very tired of grief. I’m glad my words could comfort you a little. My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.
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I, too, am tired of grieving. I am tired of feeling sad all the time. I am tired of being in limbo. And I am just plain tired.
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I did the bereavement counseling one-on-one and group thing…and the socialization thing, and the med thing, but I don’t feel any different.
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I pray and pray and pray, and the only time I can cry is when I am praying my heart out to God. But I feel no different.
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I wish it would end.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I know how tiring it can be to just feel like nothing changes. I wish I had magic words to take away this season in your life. I went through a long time where I felt so, so empty. I am just coming out of that season, and I guess I would encourage you to KEEP FIGHTING. Don’t give up. You never know when you’ll break through. Maybe continue to go to counseling, because sometimes healing is a long process. It’s isn’t an easy fix, it takes years. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Thanks for your brave words to express your feelings. I lost my 17 year old son 10 last December a few weeks before Chirstmas ( i was 5 months pregnant at the time), everyday living is brutal, and unmeasurably unbearable.