I’m not going to lie. Last week was particularly rough. I was going to write about all the gritty details in this post. But then I started writing this post…and the words just wouldn’t come.
Basically, grief hit again. All the triggers that are related to my grief hit. A billowing wave crashed over my soul, and my feet left the sandy floor, and I went whirling through the water. I didn’t know which was was down or up. I didn’t know where to go for air.
And I still feel like that.
Because, you know? I’m tired of grief. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to feel the hole where my loved one should be. I don’t want to be damaged and angry at what happened to her (alleged murder inside a cult). I don’t want any of these things.
“Don’t be so affected by things,” one person helpfully told me a few months ago. “You need to just not be affected by things.”
Okay. It’s not that easy. I can’t control the wounds of my soul. I can’t change the past. How I wish I wasn’t affected by things! How I wish I could go on with life like nothing happened. How I wish…
I wish a lot of things. But wishes don’t get me anywhere. Pretending doesn’t get me anywhere. Denial won’t get me anywhere.
Facing the reality of the depth of the tragedy of what happened and dealing with those wounds left in my soul will get me somewhere.
I still have a long road ahead of me to healing. That’s what I realized this past week. I need to be careful, I need to seek help, I need to surround myself with prayer, I need to go to counseling. Because if I don’t do these things, the hurt and anger and bitterness and cynicism will grow and consume me. Those emotions reared their ugly heads last week, and it scared me.
Because I don’t want to heal crookedly. You can heal, but you can heal crookedly. And that’s not what I want. I want to heal healthily, properly. I want to be whole. I want to love. I want to forgive. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to dance (even if it’s with a limp).
And right now…I need help to do these things.
I’d appreciate prayer. I’m discouraged. I’m tired. Can that be the word that sums up my life? I’ve been tired for months and months and months, and the tiredness doesn’t stop. Grief is a discouraging thing. It stretches on before you like this never-ending road. I just want it to end. But it won’t. I’m here on the road for good.
I feel so broken. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was “normal.” Whatever that means. But I’m not and I feel bad about it. Maybe a little ashamed, even. Frustrated that I can’t control myself or my emotions or anything in life… Frustrated I can’t be the sunny, perfect, carefree, thoughtless girl I guess I wish I could be…Because I can’t. I can’t be anything but the broken, messy, real, thoughtful person I am.
Yesterday, a co-worker gave me a card. And the words in the card brought tears to my eyes, because they were exactly what I needed to hear yesterday…
Anyway, it was kind of a perfect card for me. I’ve just been feeling so discouraged and weak lately. It was like this message from God to my broken, messed up soul. That’s not how I see you, He said. That’s not how so many people see you. They love you and are cheering you on and see everything you’re going through and take courage because of you…
And I was reminded how many awesome people I have in my life. How many people love me, are praying for me, are cheering me on–both friends and family. (I mean, even my co-workers are pretty awesome.) 🙂
Strangely, in the card was a verse from Psalm 31. Last week, I read Psalm 31 and found comfort in it. I even shared it on my Facebook Page. So I guess God was reminding me of that Psalm this week, too. It’s a great Psalm for grief. I’ll share it here…for anyone who just needs comfort today.
Take courage. Continue on the journey of grief, even when it’s hard…
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away….
But I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!…
Blessed be the Lord,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city….
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord.
(Sorry if this post was a little rambling. That’s just how I feel today.)
Photo by Adobe Stock/Kitja