The Weight
It starts as a sort of hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach
And spreads throughout your mind and body.
Then it’s above your head, crushing you with its heaviness.
It’s like you want to faint.
It’s like you to want to sit down on the ground and never get back up.
The Weight hovers over your head.
It bears down on you.
The Weight of sin, of darkness, of heartbreak.
The Weight of death. The Weight of loss.
The Weight of injustice.
*
The questions come.
The sadness comes.
*
The Weight will suck you in if you don’t keep walking
one foot in front of the other.
It could pull you in and crush your very life.
Day in and day out,
One foot in front of the other.
One foot in front of the other,
Day in and day out.
You keep moving, because if you don’t you’ll be crushed and pulled under.
*
So you walk, and you walk and you run, and you move quickly.
And you become addicted to interests and things and places,
Because if you let yourself stop for too long…
The hollowness in the pit of your stomach comes back
and it soon overtakes your whole body.
The Weight comes back.
*
So you run and run and run
and life becomes a blur
a blur you’re not sure you can ever recover from
and you exist
and you don’t let people get too close
because you know the deepest pains
of what it means to truly care about others
so you run, run, run
and you keep busy busy busy.
Because if you’re busy the Weight can’t crush you.
That’s what you think.
*
But in your busyness the Weight begins to overtake your heart.
In the keeping people away, you feel alone.
You are alone with the Weight.
No matter how fast you run, the Weight is INSIDE you.
There is no escaping it.
Day in and day out
the Weight eats away at you.
It destroys your health and your body and everything.
It kills your feelings and leaves you numb, numb, numb—
*
And suddenly, you want to die.
You want to die because then you’d escape the Weight.
The crushing Weight, the hollowness, the loss, the questions.
Life is not worth living with the Weight hanging over you, inside you.
If you could just die, the Weight would be lifted.
Death seems better than life.
*
And for a moment, you forget that the Weight is not a burden
that can be carried alone.
People must come alongside you to bear the load.
That there is only One who can truly carry the Weight.
So you must ask, ask those who can help to help.
Let them share your burdens,
Let them see your tears,
Let them feel your emotions…
Let them bring you laughter and joy and comfort.
*
Don’t let the Weight crush another victim.
***
Tonight, I’ve shared with you a creative writing piece I wrote a few months ago. It’s not exactly a poem. It’s just…thoughts running along the page.
I wrote this a few months ago when I was thinking about the crushing power of grief, loss, heartache, and how it can easily destroy. As I wrote about last week, I myself was almost crushed underneath the weight of my friend’s death. I almost gave up life. There was a moment when I contemplated suicide. Where I truly wanted death over life because everything seemed too hard.
The Weight of life can seem overwhelming at times. Although I’ve written about the Weight of death tonight, It can come in many forms and shapes. Heartbreak, death, depression, health issues, etc., etc., etc.
I’ve learned (and I’m still learning, let’s be honest), that when it seems overwhelming, that’s when we need each other the most. That’s when we need to reach out and ask for help, for prayer, for counseling, for medication, for whatever you need to help you overcome the Weight.
I know I can be prideful when it comes to pain. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m hurting. I’m ashamed of it. I hide it. And yet, sometimes, I just can’t anymore. I’ve got to have friends and family that I trust with the burden. I’ve also got to come to God and pour all my feelings at His feet, let Him carry the load.
So I guess..I would encourage whoever is reading this tonight and feels the Weight right now (because I know you’re out there reading this)…Don’t let it crush you. Don’t let the darkness take another victim. Reach out for help. Reach out to friends, family, God. (You can even reach out to me, if you’d like, because I’ve been there).
Don’t give up. There is life just around the corner. You can heal–but you can’t do it alone. Life is not lived alone.
Let others help carry the Weight.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” [Matthew 11:38-39 NLT]
12 comments
Your blog is new to me…it’s too hard to read this early in the morning truthfully if might be too hard to read this late in the afternoon…at sunset, early evening or even at bedtime. Peel away more layers toward honesty and it might be to hard to read on the 8 minute drive to town..b/c you see my loss and grief is of another with whom I shared the same air for more than 54 years…I too am a blogger but now I cannot write not really so I am fillingg my blog space with fluff…link up parties,etc..I will come back and force myself to dig into what’s hard..and see how I can personally make use of it..later.jh
Thanks so much for stopping by. I understand if it’s too hard to read. Sometimes, life is very hard–harder than we ever thought it could be. But I hope you can find comfort and healing in your own time of grief, even if it’s not on this blog.
The poem is ruined by the misspelling of “hollowness.”
Hi Barb–I fixed the misspelling, which I just didn’t even notice! I doubt it’s ruined just over one word, though. I hope you can still appreciate it! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
No, you’re right; it’s only “ruined” in the sense that I really liked it but couldn’t help but wince because I’m a cranky old English teacher.
If it had no resonance, the misspelling would have been irrelevant to me — bad poem so who reads it through, anyway? It’s because the feeling of it is so genuine that I read it and hated that mistake in an otherwise very meaningful piece.
Oh, I’m an English lover myself, and I’m really embarrassed I didn’t notice the misspelling in the first place! And I agree, I really do hate seeing typos in things myself. So thanks for pointing it out. 🙂
Teryn, Its been its over a year that I lost my husband. We had a business together that is now failing badly. I also had 3 “step” kids with 5 grand kids that had been in my life for 24 years. They have passed judgement on me of some kind and now refuse to see me or the grand kids. This hurts so bad, With all the accusations they are throwing around I have had to block them from texting me. Its as if we never had a relationship. or I’m the evil “step” mom. They never came to see how exhausted I was nor offered to help take care of their dad so I could sleep just for awhile. My husband was very strong willed and also had chemo brain. So I would have to get firm with him, I yelled at him once and that was him trying to sneak out of his hospital bed and come down stairs, He did get past me on his 4th attempt as I was trying to get some sleep and came down the stairs and fell down, my granddaughter found him and I flew down stairs and out of exhaustion I yelled at him, now they all say that’s all I ever did. Was yell at him. They are mad as in our will we have put our 9 grandchildren down on the will when I pass some day. Their is no talking to them, its always a screaming and and the accusations of how I am taking all his money they don’t realize that with a business you may get a great check but also their are more zero’s behind the bills that are due, How do I handle this situation? as they act like everything was their dads not ours WE started the company not them or their mom. I am just so torn up over this all I do is cry. They have no clue how bad I grieve for my love. I cry continuously for him, I go to work alone and I come home from work alone. If you have any advise I would greatly appreciate some. Like my husband always said death brings out the worst in families I just didn’t think I would be shut out like I am now. I do have 2 wonderful sons with wives and families that are always there for me, but I sure miss our blended family. Thank you for your time.
I have lost my brother in September. My sisters husband of 40 years passed away last February, I loved them both deeply. My dog who I loved for 9 years also passed away. I am no stranger to grief. I lost my 29 year old son to mental illness, He is still walking, talking, breathing but will never be the same, nor will I. Your story made me cry. But thank you for helping me realize I must continue to live on. I know I will smile sometimes between the tears. Thanks Teryn O’Brien
This piece could very easily be me and so many others. Thank you for sharing. Do you mind us sharing your words? Stephani
Always bothers me when people miss the whole point over a misspelled word when they know the word. I learned what works for me is to have an attitude for gratitude. Thanks for sharing your poem, or thoughts!
I am surprised how often I come here now as my life is disintegrating. I know many others are forcing themselves out of bed and to the workplace despite grief and nagging worry. I, too, am grateful for the blog. I guess my inner war zone comes out as spelling crabbiness; I aplogize.
Amen to this.
Grief can do SO much. It can whether make us to a better person or a bitter person.
We NEED friends…. ESPECIALLY in hard times. We need to cry together… pray together… just allowing others to help us to carry our burdens. Thank God for friends. Godly friends.
I want to encourage each one of us.. lets b a loyal friend…. where others will feel welcome on our shoulder to cry on. Lets b a real friend. Like JESUS Himself is to us. He’s COMPLETELY there. Lets b the same.
Thanks for sharing.