March begins my month of talking about Mental Healing. I thought I’d kick off my writing on the subject by writing a poem about mental illness–in this case, depression and anxiety. (You can find out more about my Year of Healing here.)
I’ll admit, I’ve been a bit scared to jump into this topic. There are so many misconceptions and stigmas around mental health. First, I wanted to share a bit of my story, since I don’t think I’ve ever unpacked this in detail on my blog. I’ve been afraid to be judged about this particular part of my story. However, you know me: I’m trying to be an authentic, honest human being. So here we go…
Personally, I’ve gone through several times of deep depression myself (due to health issues related to Lyme Disease and also triggered by very hard circumstances). It’s a subject I have long been ashamed about truly speaking about when I’m in the middle of it. And I think that does a disservice to people suffering depression. I did speak out a bit about it last fall, but again–I still felt terrified to honestly talk about it until now.
Last fall, I dipped down into deep depression, which lasted Oct 2016-Jan 2017. I felt like a complete failure at life, and I was constantly beating myself up internally. I also had gone through multiple traumatic experiences in 2016 (abusive situations, liars, manipulators, and toxic, toxic things). And it all just sort of hit me, and I truly felt the weight of the pain I had been trying to ignore carrying me away…
I survived because every day, I had to come to a place of stillness through yoga and meditation–to pray, to find courage, to remind myself of the simple truth: You are here. You are alive. And that’s all that matters. I also did seek help through the avenues of counseling, good friends and family, medication, natural methods, etc. Because it’s not okay to try and do it alone when your mind is truly sick. It’s okay to seek help. (I will further discuss all this, don’t worry.)
Depression happens to good people. Depression happens. Period.
Depression happens to people who have tried to do all the right things, who have full and rich spiritual lives, who are upstanding citizens, etc. I just want everyone to know that as we embark on this topic.
This poem is about those particular few months at the end of last year.
you are here (a poem about depression and anxiety)
the slinky, slimy
stomach knotting feeling
that won’t go away
heart convoluting palpitations
beginning at 2am
race, race, race of mind
getting nowhere fast
i can’t, i can’t, i can’t–!
screaming negatives
ping-pong in shrunken headspace
i’m not, i’m not, i’m not–!
wishing death
yet afraid to act
yet terrified to live
numbness
passion’s passivity
spirit trickling away
soaking into
deadened
ground…
isolation
i am alone
shame
i am too much
despair
will it ever end?
rinse, recycle, repeat
a different order each day
yet always the same
the sickness grows
you smile at loved people
through fogged-up window panes
them & you
them
you
they’d be so much better off without me
you are becoming a creature inhabiting strange skin
foreign entity forgetting former hope
floating, unattached–
STOP!
–YOU!–
you are here
ground is sturdy
roots go down, down, down
to Mother’s center
here
one breath in
one breathe out
here
stay in this moment
here is all you have
you are here
water flows within
cleansing stilted places
drink, drink, drink it in
mess settles into stillness
fire stirs will
& life stokes a battle
for heart’s bounty
to move up, up, up
the sky whispers
it will all be okay
hush now
stand tall
learn
the Rock is under you
holding you steady, steady
Photo by Adobe Stock/dell
