I was a carefree, wonder-filled child growing up,
wild and imaginative and naive.
Everything was simple
and God was amazingly real
and I just knew He loved me.
Then I was an angsty teenager
and some of the simplicity vanished
as I navigated through the awkwardness
of growing up,
but when I found God again
it seemed again so simple to follow Him,
because I’d always been good
[at least good at looking good],
and faith seemed an easy list of rules
to obey to show God how much you loved Him
and make Him notice you.
Read the Bible. Check.
Pray. Check.
Be a missionary. Check.
So I went to Bible school to prove how much I loved God
and to hope that He saw and wouldn’t ever leave.
Because as long as I sacrificed everything,
and killed all my own desires and dreams
that would mean I was enough
in His sight.
I was still just a fresh adult out of college
when a friend was abused in the name of religion
and died inside a cult that broke her spirit with stifling,
conformist spiritual arrogance,
and its extreme rules
that separated families from each other,
and a BOLD belief that they were apostles
that were going to go into the world saving
people from the End Times.
It was like they were screaming at God all the time:
“PAY ATTENTION TO US!
DO YOU LOVE US?
DO YOU LOVE US?
DO YOU SEE HOW PASSIONATE WE ARE?
DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH WE’VE GIVEN UP FOR YOU?
DO YOU SEE HOW AMAZING WE ARE ON THE OUTSIDE?
DO YOU SEE HOW MANY RULES WE FOLLOW?
[When actually inside we’re all young and scared
and don’t know how to cope with reality
and are doing really bad things when no one watches
but that’s okay because we’re so LOUD on
the outside, right?]
So don’t question.
Don’t think.
Just believe.
Believe in GOD [and His spokesperson…who is a MALE always
not a WOMAN, so sit down,
shut up,
and listen].
And everything will be alright.”
So I grew up and became an adult,
and began to realize my own brokenness
in wanting all the answers,
and that life wasn’t simple–not at all–
and that black-and-white, cookie-cutter answers
to vastly complex realities
only hurt and damaged people.
God was a living, active Being whose
very definition was Love.
Her Spirit was always blowing in beautiful, life-giving directions
away from rigid rules, outward holiness,
spiritual arrogance, manipulation, and abuse.
And that Spirit of Freedom shattered boxes
and broke chains
and freed captives
[I being one of them].
And the only thing we need to shout is:
GOD IS LOVE!!!
Peace is found at last
when I stopped desperately trying to please Him
and simply rested in Her love.
Then I was wonder-filled child again–all grown up–
wild and imaginative and wise.
Everything was simple
and God was amazingly real
and I just knew She loved me.
Photo by Adobe Stock/ikostudio
